Hel On Earth (Old Version)
by A Warped View Of Reality
Summary: Hel is Aphrodite's daughter. One who takes pleasure in locking Percy and Annabeth in cupboards together and making up imaginative names for Clarrise. Throw in a fatherly Ares, a sexy prick named Luke and a parrot called Nemo and you've got yourself a stor
1. A Hideously Horrible Hel

**Hel On Earth**

_Actual Summary (cause the space wasn't big enough for all of it :( ) - Helena Annalise Rosaline Wing is one of Aphrodite's daughters, one who wears Converse and is one of the best fighters in camp. But with Love Magic starting to affect her, a sudden ability to conjure fireballs growing and another Olympic god, besides Aphrodite, claiming her, how does she find time to have weird dream conversations with the, supposedly, evil Luke, help her mum (something she thought she'd never do) to get Percy and Annabeth together, and to get Silena to finally _stop_ calling her Helena?_

-1-

-A Hideously Horrible Hel-

I'm cursed. I have been since my birth when I got Aphrodite as a mum (and yes, I mean the Ancient Greek goddess of love, who else would I be talking about, idiot?). Then she gave the most hideous name imaginable; Helena Analise Rosaline Wing. Ok, the surname was my dad's but the rest is all her.

Helena. Honestly. Who calls their kid Helena nowadays? Well, obviously goddesses of love do. Damn gods with their stupid powers and stupid expectations. For example, if you're Athena's kid, you're smart, Hephaestus' unfortunate offspring, you're good at DIY. For me, I'm supposed to 'take pride' in my appearance and have boys throwing themselves at my feet. Yeah right. I'm about as much as Barbie doll as Mr D. Which is not at all if you've never had the misfortune of meeting him.

I'm what you would call a tomboy. Where every girl in my cabin has their porter lug bags of high-heels and truckloads of makeup through camp every summer, I'm perfectly happy with my hoodies and jeans. Still, at least I don't have to bother with the hassle of having airport security yell at me for not telling them about my belly button piercing every summer anymore, since my dad expired about a week ago. Ha! Take _that_ posh-word-using-Annabeth-Chase!

You would expect me to be upset, but I'm not. Well, slightly pissed off that I now have to spend the _entire_ year in the company of Mr D. but other than that, I don't really care. I got an Iris message from my dear darling mother though, after I'd heard the news.

"Helena, I am so sorry that-_ahh_!" she looked at me for the first time, having decided that her lipgloss was now perfect, "What are you _wearing_!" So what I'd just been playing football? So what if I was a _tad_ muddy?

"Clothes."

"Well I can see that," she snapped, "what I mean is, they're highly inappropriate items for one of my daughters, or even my sons," the Goddess of Love adds, sniffing disdainfully, "to wear!"

"My life, remember? I can do whatever the hell I want." I said forcefully, folding my arms, attempting to prove to her for once and forall that I was nothing like her, and I never would be. Now it could have been my imagination, but I swear that the room got a bit darker, and my eyes felt weird for a second.

Mum stared at me, before muttering a sentence I'm not entirely sure I was supposed to hear, "Oh Gods, so much like her father..." before shaking her currently blonde waterfall of hair, that I think looked peroxide, and turning wide lilac eyes on me. "If you ever need a makeover, sweetie..."

"I'll be sure to give you a call. Just don't hold your breath. Oh, and I'm fine about Dad's death; we were never that close. So bye." I waved a hand through the image and it vanished before she could say anything else. That woman scares me. I'd rather fight Cerberus and all three Furies at once than let her near me with straightners and mascara. Percy completely agrees with me about the whole fear/hatred-of-Aphrodite thing, though he at least, has got a valid reason considering she's like constantly trying to set him up with Annabeth. He's sort of my best guy friend. We bonded cause of lipstick, ironically enough.

So there I was, sitting on the porch of my cabin at two in the morning with Lostprophets' Everyday Combat causing me permanent hearing problems (what? I like it loud), when a skinny boy with a mop of dark hair and red stuff scribbled across his face, stomped up the steps. I blinked up at him, not having heard a word of what he had said cause of my earphones. He glared at me with his vividly turquoise eyes before bending down and yanking them roughly out of my ears.

"Hey!" I cried indignantly, but it was immediately drowned out.

"Get this gunk off my face!" he shouted, but I shushed him, glancing at the pink wooden door that separated us from my lipgloss wielding half-brothers and sisters.

"Why are you asking me, anyway?"

"Well you obviously did it!" My eyes narrowed to slits instantly.

"Do I _look_ like your average Aphrodite's daughter to you?" I demanded, gesturing first at the uncombed knot of hair then at my sloppy clothes.

"I guess not, sorry." I moved up, so I was kneeling and reached up with one finger (he flinched back as I did so) to wipe some of the 'gunk' from his cheek.

"It's Scarlet Strawberry Shimmer." I declared, after a tentative sniff, "it's Maria's. Third bed on the left." I added.

"You don't mind if I get her back?"

"Why should I? As I said before, I'm not your average Cabin Nine camper."

"Thanks." He said, accompanied with a blinding smile, "Be right back."

Five minutes or so later he appeared again, grinning,

"What did you do?"

"You'll see." he said secretively, smiling.

"Whatever, come here, I've got wipes."

Eyeing my nervously, he sat on my rug next to me and lent back against the wall. Once every trace of Scarlet Strawberry Shimmer had been removed from his face, I offered him one of my earphones.

"What music is it?"

"Good music."

After holding it to his ear, he put it in and agreed, "Yeah, it is. I didn't know anyone else here and heard of Zebrahead, let alone liked them." After a minute, "I'm Percy Jackson," Duh, everyone knows your name. "what's your name?"

"The name my mother gave me? Or what I actually want to be called?"

"Both."

"Helena Annalise Rosaline Wing, but if you call me that you will die a slow and painful death." He blinded my again with his teeth, "Just call me Hel."

_A/N: New story! Woooop! yeh...so anyways, likes? dislikes? whatever it is, review :) new chapter up soon, promise this time xD_

_Becki_

_x_


	2. A Standardly Strange Silena

_thanks go to christinesangel100, and to Element Wolf - also for pointing out the thing with Aprodite's cabin! :-)_

-2-

-A Standardly Strange Silena-

"Helena!" Silena Beauregard cries as I stomp into our cabin. I growl under my breath at her use of my full first name. "Have you done something with your hair?" she adds, eyeing me contemplatively. Straitening up, I look at her incredulously.

"Lenie," Getting her back for not using my nickname, I use hers, "do I look like the kind of girl to do _anything_ to her hair?"

She shrugs, brushing off the 'Lenie' comment with her general friendly acceptance. Damn her. "You just look different, prettier." I snort disbelievingly as I kick my bags under the bed. "You've got more stuff this year."

"Dad's dead so I'm a year rounder now."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Helena, but at least you'll get to spend lots of time with me!"

"Oh goodie." I mutter, heading for the door.

"Where're you going?"

"Percy's."

Strolling through the cabins, I wave to my various friends, some of which wave back, but some of which jut blank me completely. Well fine. I hop up the steps of Cabin Number Trois.

"You can rejoice! I'm back!" Percy and Grover stare at me like I'm from anther planet. "No hug?" I pout, on the verge of glaring.

"Not to be rude, but who are you?"

"Haha, very funny, Perse." I move to sit on one of the unused beds.

"Do I know you?" I sit up, staring at him.

"Have you been hit or something?" I turn to Grover, "Has he been whacked on the head?"

"Hey guys, is-" Annabeth's appearance on Percy's doorstep stops him from retorting angrily, as I can tell he was a second away from doing, "_Hel_!" she cries upon seeing me. We squeal and jump up and down, all of which is very unlike us, which is, of course, why we do it.

"_Helena_?"

"a) _never_ call me Helena! b) why are you so surprised? And c) how come you didn't recognize me!" I am a millimetre away from a tantrum.

"You just look very...different." Grover has yet to open his mouth.

"Hey, goat-boy, cat got your tongue?" I ruffle his hair affectionately, being almost his height. I hate being so tall, but it does come in useful in battle.

"H...hi...Helena." I scowl.

"Hel, look at me for a sec." I turn to Annabeth, frowning in confusion.

"Oh Gods."

"What?"

"Love magic. It's affected you."

"_What_! The words 'me' and 'love magic' just don't go together, Annabeth, I thought you would know by now!"

"Have you looked in the mirror recently?"

"I try my best to avoid them." She drags me to Percy's mirror that hangs above his giant stone sink. I blink. Then rub my eyes. That _can't_ be me. There's no way I'm that...beautiful.

The girl staring back at me has vivid red hair trailing in waves over her shoulders, and down her back. Her eys are pure gold with the hints of amber and bronze, long-lashed and almond-shaped. Features are perfectly places; arching eyebrows, straight nose, high cheekbones and finely moulded lips. The girl, who could easily pass as Aphrodite, to my ever-growing horror, has a wild, untamed look about her and the light filtering in from outside reflects slightly off her pale skin.

The weird thing is, when I blinks, she blinks. When I move, so does she.

"Holy shit."

"Exactly." Annabeth seems pleased with herself. "Love magic, maybe it only appears at a certain age or something. I told you so."

"This _cannot_ be happening. Not to me! Why not to Silena, or Angelique, or Ginerva?

"I don't see what the problem is. Lots of girls would kill to look the way you do; to actually be noticed by the guy you like." I notice her flick a lightening-fast glance at Percy. Interesting.

"I don't like any guys though!"

"Girls?" Percy asks slyly.

"No!" I snap, "Stop fantasising, perv! What I mean is, that I'm not a girly-girl, and I don't do pretty!" The last sentence is practically a scream.

"Tough. You've got all the pretty you could ask for."

I groan, thrusting my hands into my hair. "I need to let off some steam." I decide. "Percy?"

"Too tired." he says, yawning.

"Aw, _please_ fight me! No one else is competition!" I whine petulantly while tugging his arm, "And Clarisse is off somewhere and Annabeth's still got that bust hand!"

"No. Go and find the Stoll brothers. They're decent."

"_Fine_. But I'm putting my hair up first. And changing." I add, surveying my favourite, too-small tank top and faded tight shorts. Not suitable given my new appearance.

"I'm watching!" Annabeth jumps up to follow me. "You two coming?"

"In a bit."

I shrug, "Suit yourself." We exit the cabin. I look over my shoulder, just once, to Percy and Grover deep conversation.


	3. A Truly Terrifying Travis

-3-

-A Truly Terrifying Travis-

I send Annabeth to find Travis, as his marginally better than his brother, while I hurry to my own cabin, keeping my head down. A couple of minutes later, and I'm ready to go. I unsheathe my sword, Bloodbath, that's made of some weirdly hard metal that's apparently really rare. I found it a couple of years ago on my doorstep wrapped in some red cloth. No card, no name, just _Bloodbath_ written on the blade in Ancient Greek. Percy's half-brother, Tyson, who made me my shield, says he's never seen anything like it, and it was clearly made with magic. Go figure.

"Ready to get pulverised?" I ask from behind Travis, stepping into the ring created by the campers assembled to watch, and cheer on their favourite.

"I should be asking yo-" He stops abruptly as he turns, "Woah..._Hel_!"

"Yeah yeah, I know I look different, but I can still kick your puny ass all the way to Tartarus!"

"Doubt it." He grins wolfishly, shifting into position.

"Bring it on, Stoll." He attacks swiftly and with surprising force. I block with my shield, managing to nick him on the shoulder as he passes, I stick my tongue out playfully and his eyes glaze over for a second, giving me enough to slash at him with Bloodbath.

We continue in this style for about half an hour more. I'm clearly out of practise, and he's improved, making us about equal. Then an idea hits me, not one I'm happy about, but I'll do anything to win – I'm Aphrodite's daughter and, when it comes down to it, Travis is jut another horny teenage boy. I step back, signalling a break and Annabeth runs over to me.

"What's wrong with you? You can normally pummel Travis within five, ten at a maximum!"

"It's just been awhile since I fought, that's all. But he's going down."

"Uh oh...you've got that look in your eye..." I simply grin, and reach up to take out my hair-bobble. Her mouth forms a small o. "You really _are_ evil."

"I know." I say smugly, while grabbing a bottle of water and splashing some on face and neck before looking back at Annabeth. She shakes her head.

"Just go!"

Travis is stunned. As is every other male or lesbian in the immediate area. I grin, suddenly no-longer self-conscious about my new look. The fight is over within seconds. He can't seem to keep his eyes off me, not my weapon. In a single movement, I knock the sword of his hand, and have Bloodbath resting on his collarbone.

"Pleasure doing business with you, Stoll." I smile, and offer my hand for him to shake (a tradition Chiron has insisted we keep), which he takes almost reverently.

"Hey, Helena!" He calls after me as I start to make my way back to the cabins. I stop, and shoot him a glare. "Sorry, I mean, Hel, do you wanna maybe go out with my sometime?" He shuffles his feet, embarrassed. I stare at him incredulously.

"No!" I yelp, hurrying away in horror.

"Ooo, harsh." Percy falls into step beside me.

"Did you see that?"

"Yep."

"Urgh. I just let my hair down so I could beat him – you know how I _hate_ to lose!"

"Trust me, I know." Percy says ruefully, most likely thinking about how a fight we once had lasted for nearly fourteen hours, given our stubbornness not to give in. I still won.

"Then he just turns round and asks me out!" He puts his arm around my shoulders comfortingly. Though I'm not usually one for physical contact of _any_ kind, I lean into him thankfully, suddenly exhausted.

Campers stare as he leads my towards his cabin, as it's closer, I know we look like a couple (Silena asks me if we are about three times every day), but that would just b so wrong. Seriously, I'm like nearly four years older than him, I just act kinda immature.

Just over the threshold of Cabin Number Three, a sudden wave of fatigue washed over me, and darkness took over.


	4. A Characteristically Crazy Clarisse

_long chapter! woop!_

-4-

-A Characteristically Crazy Clarisse-

"You feeling better?"

"Obviously!" I grin at the dark figure that is Percy. "I wouldn't be creeping round the Ares cabin at midnight with you otherwise, would I?"

"You got the stuff?"

"Yep."

"Lipstick?"

"Check."

"Mascara?"

"Check."

"Hair dye?"

"Check."

"Eyeliner?"

"Check."

"Food?"

"No," I say, rolling my eyes, even though he can't see, "you should have had dinner."

"I was sleeping!" Another eye roll. "Hey, what's with the war paint?" Does he have like super vision or something?

"It's cool, you want some?"

"Hell yeah!" He whispers excitedly, reaching eagerly for the tub then smearing green streaks on his face.

"Ready?"

"Let's go!"

*

"_Jackson_! _Wing_!" Clarisse's dulcet tones jerk me awake, along with every other creature within a three-mile radius.

"What did you do?" Silena asks, looking exquisitely perfect even while half asleep.

"Uh...got to go. Fighting for my life and all..." I dart out, grabbing Bloodbath as I do, and sprint towards Percy's cabin. "Get up, get Riptide and get here!"

"Clarisse?" He emerges looking sleepy and kinda zombie-like.

"Yeah, and guess who's blood she wants?"

"Ours?"

"Got it in one."

The second we emerged, we realised that the entirety of Ares' ugly offspring was grouped in front of us.

"Hey, Airhead!" Clarisse's oh-so-imaginative nickname for me.

"Yeah, beefy?"

"Did you do this!" I stifle a laugh unsuccessfully at Clarisse and her half brothers and sisters. Their hair's a _gorgeous_ bleach blonde and their features are caked with make up. Percy washed their hair with his awesome powers (that I'm so not jealous of...) and used the die while I crept around trying to remember the many tips Silena had bestowed upon an uncooperative me.

"I don't know what sort of person you think I am, Clarisse darling, but I would _never_ do that to one of my fellow human beings." I place a hand over my heart, blinking innocently as I hear Percy, seeming unable to contain his hysteria, laughing loudly.

"Get ready to be pulverised!" she snarls, stepping forward and swinging her large, ugly sword. I smile happily.

"Ready, Perce?"

"As I'll ever be."

"Then let's go!"

There are time that I wish I had a more major god for a parent. Percy's blasting left, right and centre while all I can do is cause major injuries with Bloodbath. Still. What I do do is engage Clarisse in a brutal girl-on-girl (stop laughing) fight.

Though Clarisse's feminine side is debatable in its actual existence.

Suddenly she gets through my defence for one, crucial minute and her cold sword cuts into my wrist. We draw back for a breather and I wind the leather binding my knuckles round my wrist instead to stem the bleeding. This supposedly harmless fight has quickly evolved. I'm surprised Chiron isn't here to break us up.

Gritting my teeth against the pain my now leaden-feeling shield is causing, I move in again.

"Drop the shield, for Gods' sakes!" Percy, his voice taut with worry. I throw it aside, realising that if I took a hard blow on it, with my wrist in the condition it is, I could do permanent damage to it.

Clarisse and I have always loathed each other, possible even more than the hate between her and Percy, and now we were each truly unleashed upon the other, our tempers boiling.

She charged at me again, still carrying her own shield which she slammed into me.

Oh _great_.

I fell backwards, rolling over and leaping up quickly, deciding to take advantage of my now lightened weight to nip around her. But her shield blocks all of me attacks. Bloodbath clangs metallically against her sword. I know that I have to speed up even more if I want a chance of beating her. Forceing me sweaty, exhausted body to comply, I dart behind her, teasingly tapping Bloodbath on the back of her shields. Make her angry, furious. The she'll get clumsy. Make mistakes.

It works and, with a roar of rage, she brings her sword down on my head.

But I'm not there.

Instead of letting her split my head in two (as fun as that sounds), I'm sending my own sword at her currently unprotected side. It slices through t-shirt and flesh and she howls in a mixture of anger and pain. Then we, both bleeding, both tired, both carrying a burning hatred for the other, and both completely determined to win, begin the fight in earnest.

After ten minute of fast, lethal fighting, I trip on a loose stone. Clarisse seizes the moment, just as I would have done, had our positions been reversed, by stamping down on Bloodbath and placing her sword at my neck, drawing blood.

"It appears I've won, Wing." she spits triumphantly, if that's even possible.

I don't reply as a pure, blinding rage builds up inside me. I can't lose – I _can't_! No to _Clarisse_! Suddenly a boiling heat forms in my left palm, my sword hand, and I flick it out at Clarisse in a perfect movement, automatically, as if I'd done it a thousand times before.

She dodged, out of instinct, and then did we both register what the thing was. A fireball.

A bloody _fireball_.

That just hit a cabin.

Percy douses it a second later, but everyone is staring at me. Hell, I would be too.

*

Chiron finally gallops up, looking furious.

"I go and see Oracle for _fifteen minutes_ and _this_ breaks out! What are you two, five? Clarisse, you're one of our cabin leaders, and Helena," I open my mouth to correct a mistake he never usually makes, but he holds up a hand to silence me, "you're one of the oldest campers here – show some maturity for once."

"Chiron?" I glare at Clarisse. "Helena set fire to a cabin."

"What? That's impossible." The smug little bitch points and the scorch marks. "Hel, how did y-" he starts. Then his mouth falls open.

"What..." I ask, as everyone in the area stares at me. No one answers, staring at the space above my head. Slowly, hesitantly, I look up.

And see a glowing red symbol floating above my head.

A ram.

The symbol of Ares, God of War.

_A/N: ooooo..._

_Becki_

_x_


	5. A Lethargically Lost Luke

_Enter: Luke _

WOOOOP!

-5-

-A Lethargically Lost Luke-

I'm confused. Am I dead? Cause I'm pretty sure that Tartarus doesn't look quite like this. Whatever 'this' is. All I see is my body, and blackness everywhere else. You see my bewilderment?

Also, I can't remember anything. Well. I know who I am (which is a start and, at least, more than I knew last time I woke up in an unfamiliar place), and who my friends are, but not spending any time with them, or even what Camp Half-Blood looks like and things like that. It's weird.

Hang on.

I see another person, kinda far away. Oh no, getting closer by the second, and closer – I swear I recognize them. It's a tall guy, a couple of years older than me I guess, with sandy hair hanging over his cheekbones and shielding blue eyes. Then he's even nearer and I can see the narrow, pale scar slicing down from my eye to his jaw. And I remember.

Luke.

"Where am I?" he asks, folding his arms over a dark military-style jacket and scowling at me. So, naturally, I glare right back.

"How the hell should I know?"

He lets out an angry sigh and glances around, before turning those baby-blues back on me. "Don't I know you?"

"Sweetie, that's what all the guys ask me." I say, not sparing him a look because I know it'll annoy him.

"No, I do know you – are you a half-blood?" More memories crowd back into my mind then; Ares and Aphrodite both claiming me within seven whole years of each other.

"Yeah." I decide on for simplicities' sake.

"You're English."

"Possessing a brain too? Is there no end to your talents, Lukey?"

"Helena! A daughter of Aphrodite! You were only sixteen when I left – and now look – you're all grown up!" He said, almost fondly. How disturbing.

"It's Hel. And if by 'grown up' you mean I can now kick your sorry ass with one hand tied behind my back? Then yeah, I guess I am."

"You couldn't beat me." He says with irritating arrogance.

"I so could."

"Oh yeah? Prove it."

I smirk at that at reach to my right side (being left-handed) where Bloodbath usually hangs. Only it isn't, only a seam on a pair black, cotton trousers, sorry, since we're being American, _pants_.

"Wanna wrestle?" He grins greedily and clenches his fists.

I throw him a disgusted look, "No. You're a guy who's been fighting for most of his life. I'd have no chance without a decent sword."

He smiles. "Shame."

Silence for a bit.

"Now what?"

"Uh...we talk?" He seems surprised at that. I sit down and cross my legs. He just stretches out on the black nothingness. "What about?"

"Well how've you been over the past few years?"

I talk for what seems like hours about meaningless things; England, my dad's death, Aphrodite's sporadic appearance in my life – general things like that. But I made sure to steer clear of anything camp, and especially Percy, related. In turn, he enlightened me by saying that he was 'ok' and that his life was 'ok' and, deciding to see if I could break his ok-obsession, that his gayness was 'ok'. Then he glared at me for tricking him.

Meh. That guy _cannot_ give decent evils.

"I'm _tired_." He moans suddenly. I send him a derisive look.

"Sleep then."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because you might do something to me." I snigger. A hint of a blush paints his cheeks. "Not _that_ sort of thing." He says hastily, "Though if you really want to..." He raises an eyebrow at me.

Now it's my turn to blush, much to my embarrassment. "As fun as that sounds, no thanks. And I promise I won't."

"I don't trust you."

We sit there, eyeing each other mistrustfully for a bit.

Suddenly the blackness started to become, well, a lighter shade of black. If such a thing is possible.

"Well. This _has_ been fun, Lukey, but it appears it's time to say buh-bye."

He grunt non-committedly. Well _fine_ then.

_A/N: just to warn you, might be a while until next update - sorry!_

_Becki_

_x_


	6. A Preciously Puerile Percy

-6-

-A Preciously Puerile Percy-

Fainting is really not my thing.

Gasping and swooning dead away? So not me.

So when I opened my eyes to see peeling white paint above me, along with about five different heads bent over with disturbingly concerned expressions on their faces, my initial thought was, _what the fuck_?

"She's awake!" Whoever just yelled that down my _ear_ will pay. Most definitely. Especially with my awesome new flame throwing power – I can be _FlameGirl_! Heheheh. I love _Friends_.

Oh.

Fuck.

Memories _slowly_ coming back to me.

Ares claimed me.

Seven years after Aphrodite did.

I'm confused.

"Hel? Hel?" Chiron has a remarkably irritating voice, "Helena?" I open one eye, again, and glare at him with it. "Sorry, Hel, are alright?"

"Bloody perfect." I mutter, sitting up too fast and instantly regretting it. "Who's my parent though?"

"Uh..." Chiron seems equally confused. Which is really not normal – he usually has the answer to everything; an omniscient centaur...

"Mr D's on Olympus – this has never happened before. And, uh, Ares wants to see you. Aphrodite too."

"Oh for _gods' sakes_!" I groan. A faint roll of thunder. "Sorry! Just try and see it from _my_ point of view!" I yell at the ceiling.

"Uh, Hel? They're just moving some furniture." Annabeth points out.

"Oh. I _totally_ knew that."

"Yes, so we need to take you to Manhattan. Now."

"I _hate_ New York..." I mutter.

"You do know that we're _in_ New York, right?"

"We _are_!" I exclaim, staring at Percy, then to Annabeth for confirmation of this terrifying fact.

"Long Island is in south-eastern New York, only a little bit away from Manhattan. The island extends 190 km from New York Harbour and varies in width from 19 to 37 km between the northern coast and South Atlantic coa-"

"Yeah, I just wanted to know where it was. Nothing else." I say dryly. She glares at me. Well tough, I'm pissed off. "Oooo! Guess what, Perce?"

"What!" He's excitable, bless him.

"I had a chat with Luke."

"You...what...?"

"Yeah we met up when I was out of it in this _really_ weird place and had a nice long chat, in which we discussed his sexuality in detail."

"Is she ok, Chiron?" Annabeth whispers, glancing at me.

"There's no signs of a concussion – she didn't hit her head."

"I'm fine. And I _did_ see Luke! Did you know, for such a bad-boy, macho-man type of guy who probably enjoys taking sweets from small kids in his spare time, he really _can't_ give good evils? It's kinda odd. But totally hilarious." Percy giggles with me. Good boy.

_See_ Annabeth? _He_ gets me and my weird sense of humour!

"Argos's waiting outside." Chiron trots back in, ducking to enter the room.

"Oooo! Can I come!" Percy's bouncing in his seat like a three-year old.

"Perce, think logically. My possible dad who's most likely simply an ancient war god with amnesia, loathes you. And your friends. And your friends' friends. And your friends' friends' friends. And your friend's friends' frie-"

"We get the picture, Hel." I shoot a glare at Annabeth for interrupting my 'friends' friends' friends' friends' friends' friends' friends' speech. Hm, she's right. That _is_ annoying.

"I s'pose." He says dejectedly.

"Just thinking 'bout your safety and mental wellbeing. Athena'll probably be lurking somewhere too." Instantly all the colour drains from his face and he throws lightening-fast glances between Annabeth and me.

"Oh! Ok then. I'll stay." He adds hurriedly.

"Guess it's just me then stuck on top of the Empire State Building in the middle of a city I loath with my immensely irritating mother and a war god who may or may not be my dad. Right."

"If they're _both_ your parents – what does that make you?"

"Uh..." That's a good question.


	7. An Annoyingly Attached Aphrodite

-7-

-An Annoyingly Attached Aphrodite-

In a normal situation, I'd be praying like hell. Haha! Hell...oh I crack myself up.

In a normal situation, I'd be on my knees, _pleading_ whichever divine god who felt like answering me to help.

But this wasn't your average trip to the currently New York located Mount Olympus. Oh no. This was me visiting my ridiculous mother, the one and only goddess of love, and the god of war, who _seriously_ needs anger management.

When the lift doors slid open soundlessly, Mr D's there, glaring. He grabs my arm roughly, as if to drag me along, but just as quickly releases it, narrowing his little eyes at me even further. Hm, the possibility of me being the child of two of the Olympians seems to irritate him, or maybe scare him a little.

Goodie.

Walking up between the thrones, the huge gods and goddesses sitting there, all snooty, for some reason makes me want to laugh. So I do. Which earns me _major_ evils from Zeus. I wave at him.

"Helena, dear!" Mother, throwing goddly protocol to the wind, runs over to me, shrinking in size to that of a normal human she does, and throws her arms around me in a blur of pale pink silk and a heady perfume that makes my eyes water. Over her narrow, anaemically-pale shoulder, I see Ares, grinning broadly down at me. He gives me a thumbs-up. I throw him my very best what-the-fuck-are-you-on look.

"If you've finished?" Zeus says in clipped tones.

Aphrodite glances up at him, "Not quite, actually."

Woah.

Go mum for _finally_ growing something vaguely resembling a backbone!

She pulls back a bit, but keeps a slender arm around my shoulders comfortingly, despite the fact she's about half a foot shorter than me.

Zeus glares at her. As does some giant ugly dude who I presume is Hephaestus. Oh, wait. It's me he's scowling at. Well, I guess it's understandable. Considering I'm either the daughter of his wife and her divine lover or the offspring of his wife and a mortal. Either way she's cheated on him. But that in itself shouldn't be news to him, let's face it; my mum's a whore with a capital W.

"I'm sorry, Helena, I did tell him," she whispers this to me, but the other gods are _so_ eavesdropping, as she shoots a glare at the lounging, casually handsome Ares. I shrug, forcing her hands off me as I do and turn to Zeus.

"So? What's the point in me being here?"

"She's insolent." Zeus addresses Mum, eyeing me as if I'm a mark on his favourite lightening bolt.

"Hello? 'She' _is_ in the room!"

"Oh. Yes. Helena. We have established that Ares is your father." I vaguely notice Ares grin broadly and Hephaestus grip the edge of his throne so tightly a chunk crumbles away in his fist.

"Is that it? Can I go now?"

"You're not a half-blood."

"Yeah, and?"

"I always knew the spawn of Aphrodite and Ares would be dumb." Athena says to Demeter, not even bothering to lower her voice.

"Excuse me? Dumb? I'm intelligent enough to realise that you're just a stupid bint who doesn't want your own _daughter_ to be with the guy she's, like, _meant_ to be with just cause you 'don't think he's appropriate'!" A deathly hush has fallen over the hall, but I see several gods fighting back smiles, Percy's dad among them.

Mum, bless her, cries excitedly, "Yeah!"

"I _also_ realise that you're saying I can't go to camp anymore which is, excuse my language, complete and utter bull." At this point Ares bursts into laughter, doubling over and clutching his stomach. Cause he's _normal_ like that. "All my friends are there – my _life_ is there and if you _dare_ try and tell me I should live on Olympus with all the over mini-gods then you can shove a lightening bolt up your arse!" This said, obviously to Zeus, I spin on my heel and march out, the sound of other gods joining in with my dad(eek!)'s giggles enthusiastically.

_A/N: ive developed a new-found love of writing about the gods - they make me laugh! yeh im that cool..._

_anyways hope you like nd ill hopefully update soon, speaking of which - what do you guys want in the next chapter? woop - reader participation!_

_Becki. x_


	8. A Hilariously HalfGrown Hel

_apparently half-grown means immature. huh - who knew?_

-8-

-A Hilariously Half-Grown Hel-

"Oh for Zeus' sake! If this is some god's idea of joke then I can tell you know; it's not _funny_!" I yell up into darkness. Yep, you've guessed; I'm there again; somebody wants me to have a cosy chat with someone. If it's Luke, I swear I'll scream. One second I was happily sitting next to Argos as he took me back to camp, the next I'm here. Grr.

"Hello Helena." I promptly scream. "What the fuck was that for!" Luke cries, clutching his ears.

"For being here." I say, like it's obvious. Which it is.

"You think I'm happy?" He shifts from foot to foot restlessly, his back to me.

"What's up with you?"

"Nothing."

"Come on...we're stuck here – you might as well tell me!" I try to move in front of him, but he always keeps away. "Lukey..."

"Fine!" He turns. I have to bite my lip hard to stop from laughing. "Oh go one, get it over with." I instantly burst into laughter.

"I know you have a secret love for me and all, Lukey, but I didn't know you loved me _that_ much!" I continue to giggle. He sighs, still shifting awkwardly.

"Are you done?"

"Just about."

"I was, er, in the middle of something when I turned up here."

"Aw, must be difficult to find a girlfriend in the middle of the sea, but you don't have to rely on yourself _completely_; I'm sure Kronos would be happy to oblige."

He flushes brighter than ever. "I wasn't - I don't – I _do_ have a girlfriend!" He stutters.

"No need to lie, Lukey; it's ok; I have lived with seven guys for the last five years." When I was fourteen I decided my dad, who's not actually my real dad so we'll just call him Mike, was boring, so moved into a flat seven of my older guy friends occupied. This may seem like a dumb thing, but they all treated me like a little sister; taught me how to land a killer left hook, refused to let me out of the flat in a skirt that went any higher than my knees and, of course, threatened to rip up any boy who came within three feet of me. They didn't know I was a half-blood – just thought I was visiting my mum every summer. I never told Chiron that I didn't live with my da-, I mean, Mike because he'd have insisted I became I year-rounder. So now that Mike is dead I have to stay at camp because I'm still technically a teenager; though I really don't think that nineteen should count.

"Helena? Hello?" Luke's waving a hand in front of my face.

"It's Hel." I growl automatically. Then my gaze flicks downwards, "Haven't got rid of it yet?"

"Well I can't exactly, you know, not with you here!"

"I once walked in on one of my practically-brothers in bed with not one, not two, not three, but four girls – ok? I think I can deal with it! Although, on second thoughts, don't. Not something I particularly want to see."

He laughed.

No, I'm not kidding.

Luke I'm-so-evil-and-think-the-whole-world-should-bow-down-to-my-superior-evilness just _laughed._

A happy, rough genuinely _amused_ laugh.

I'm confused.

"You look like a goldfish." He remarks, still emitting a giggle every now and then.

And I, for whatever reason my six-year-old brain picks, reply with the simplest of insults, and one of the best, "So's your face."

He stares, unblinking at me for a minute or two before breaking into that dizzying, infectious laughter again.

Except this time I join in.

_A/N: yeh...this is random - and the Lukey's probeblem is never quite sorted, is it, hm...? well i guess youll all just have to wait :D oh i love the power heeheehee_

_Becki. xx_


	9. A Nefariously Nude Nemo

_i know, i know, you all have the right to hunt my down and murder me with blunt spoons - im sorry! what can i say in my defense? well ive been having school, mates, family, relationship problems lately (pretty much everything's been screwed up lately) if that might make you sympathetic enough to make my death quick? how about this chapter being longer than they usually are? im sorry...._

-9-

-A Nude Nemo–

I realise I've got a lot of angst to sort through, what with the traumatising experiences I've encountered, such as finding that my dad isn't called Mike and a car mechanic in Liverpool, but the ancient god of war. Not to mention discovering that a) Luke actually _has_ sense of humour and b) it's similar to mine. And then of course there was the third mind-scarring experience that I _never_ want to repeat, namely, walking in on Percy completely naked. In the middle of his cabin. Stark naked. As in with no clothes on, nada, zilch.

It's enough to permanently damage anyone's mind. Well, it might not affect Annabeth _quite_ the same way I reacted; shrieking loudly, turning bright red and running away as fast as I physically could.

So. Angst-sorting on the agenda. Which just requires my iPod, a computer/laptop with working internet, and five hours of uninterrupted me-time, aka, Nitrome time! If you haven't heard of Nitrome (you're either a sad loser, or over the age of nine) then it's a super cool, totally amazing and generally brill – oh yeah, I'm that cool – games website.

Six hours later, and getting seriously frustrated by Flash Cat (a cartoon cat in a space hover thing) – seriously, I keep falling off! – I abruptly notice that one of the Ares cabin is hovering a little way off, shooting me scared looks sporadically whenever I growl at the laptop fiercely.

"_What_!" I hiss in his general direction.

"Um...Clarisse wants to talk to you..."

I suggest something else Clarisse could currently be doing, using words that no daughter of Aphrodite should know. Well, I do have Ares for a father too, so suck it up! He blinks and looks like he might cry. "Fine," I relent, "Where is she?"

He gestures for me to follow him with a nervous, twitchy movement. I am lead to the Ares cabin where all of my new found half brothers and sisters are gathered.

Hang on.

Oh _gods_.

I've just realised something.

I'm _related_ to _Clarisse_!

I promptly scream. In the middle of the Ares cabin, with Clarisse (ahhhh!) staring at me like I'm insane, which is totally possible I guess.

"Wing?" She asks tentatively.

"That's not my surname." I say, staring at her with wide, slightly scared, eyes.

"Well what is it then?" She says, sounding exasperated.

I thought for a minute. "I don't have one. So you're gonna have to start calling me Hel! Mwhahahaha!"

"Whatever, sis."

I stop laughing, and stare at her. "What?"

"We're half-sisters now, remember?"

"I could pwn you, _sis_." I growl.

"I'd like to see you try!"

"Hello? _You're_ a mortal! I'm a godling! Haha, wow that sounds _so_ cool – _godling_! Heeheehee!"

"Are you done?"

"Maybe."

"Moving on." She says, glaring, "We've gathered here to find out which cabin you will be living in, and to ascertain if you want to fight me for cabin leader. Or Silena, but I find that unlikely."

I stare at her. "I'm _not_ living with you!" I shriek.

"That's settled then."

"But I _would_ like to fight you for cabin leader."

"You can't. You're not one of us." A dark scowl falls over her features, instantly making them look uglier than ever.

"Shall I take that up with Daddy?" I ask sweetly, tipping my head to one side. "You see, he was _ever-so_ accommodating of my wishes, and seemed to be quite attached to me..."

"Fine. We shall fight tomorrow."

I beam. "Ok then! Well, bye kiddies, I have a hunky ex-camper to dream about." With that, I skip out happily.

* * *

I was on the beach when I first heard it. A strange cheeping noise coming from a pot plant. Don't ask me why there was a pot plant on a beach – I don't even attempt to understand the Dionysus kids who, in my opinion, are like God; they move in mysterious ways. Anyways, the noise. I draw Bloodbath and sneak warily over the sand, using my awesome ninja powers to creep closer soundlessly. I pull apart the fern-live stems and there, huddling near the base, is the singularly most ugly parrot I've ever seen.

It's completely and utterly bald, with a few red and green feathers around its feet Its baleful yellow eyes watch me carefully. Its claws are long and sharp, and it snaps its beak at me viscously. It's love at first sight.

"Hey," I say gently, reaching out my forearm, "I won't hurt you." It eyes my arm warily, then, seemingly deciding that I am, in fact, not a threat, it hops on. I hiss as the claws slice my skin. It instantly shuffles so its feet aren't digging in so much and gazes up at me apologetically. I run a finger over it head softly. He (it looks like a he) rolls his eyes up at me adoringly. "Come on then."

I turn and walk up the beach to find Percy and show off my new pet.

"Hm, what shall we call you? Polly?" He cheeps irritably. "No?" I go through a list of appropriate parrot names. He rejects them all. "Well fine! I'll just call you nameless then!" He tips his head to one side, and regards me exasperatedly. "What about Nemo?" I ask him as we trot through the cabins. This he seems to approve of, rubbing his head on my arm. "Nemo it is then. You like it? There you go," I scratch his neck, "You like that, sweetie?"

"Hel? Are you...talking to a parrot?" I look up to see Annabeth standing with Percy, both staring at me like I'm crazy. This is happening way too often today.

"He's not just 'a parrot'! He's _my _parrot, Nemo!"

"You called a parrot Nemo?" Percy states in disbelief.

"You got a problem with that?" I snap, still unable to look at him without blushing.

"Uh, no, oh-mighty child of Ares and Aphrodite." He says sarcastically.

"Hey, watch it, Seaweed Brain, I have a parrot and a fireball, and I'm not afraid to use them." I flick out my other hand, the one that Nemo isn't perching precariously on, and produce a merrily blazing fireball in my palm.

"Um, Hel, do you know how to use that?" Annabeth queries warily.

I shrug. "How hard can it be?" I flick my hand at Percy, knowing that, with him being the kid of Poseidon, it wouldn't do him (much) permanent damage. It hits his chest. He yells out and douses it quickly, then settles to glaring at me.

"What?" I ask innocently. "It didn't hurt you, did it? Nemo, on the other hand, can be quite vicious. For example."

Quite conveniently, Clarisse happens to be trotting past at that moment, with a gaggle of my half-brothers and sisters. I bring Nemo up to me, and whisper, "Now, sweetie, see that girl there," I point at Clarisse, who notices, stops and eyes me, looking faintly worried, "_Attack_!"

Nemo, behaving exactly as a good loyal fighter parrot should, instantly leapt into the air with one flap of his feather-less wings and hurtled himself, like a small, shrieking pink bullet at Clarisse. Who screamed and ran. I didn't stop laughing all day.


	10. An Adamantly UnAmorous Annabeth

-10-

-An Adamantly Un-Amorous Annabeth-

We've been giving a mission. Nemo and I. Well, and Annabeth and Clarrise, but they're not important. Nemo on the other hand, is. So I let things such as listening to Chiron to ascertain exactly what our mission actually is to Annabeth and Clarrise, and instead spent the time carefully tending to the single baby feather Nemo was growing on the top of his skull. It was green.

"It's going to be dangerous." Annabeth was saying as we walked back to the cabins. I still lived in the Aphrodite cabin, but was supreme ruler over the Ares kids. Heeheehee. Ok, so maybe I was the teensyist bit power mad, so sue me! I'm a godling, dammit!

"Which is probably why Chiron sent us, because we're good, but not vitally important, unlike the precious Percy."

"Hey!" Annabeth scrambled to the defence of her beloved.

"What, it's true. No risk can come to the child of one of the Big Three – they'd rather risk us, the offspring of comparatively minor gods."

"Hel?" Annabeth appealed to me.

"Hm?" I didn't look up from Nemo's single feather, the parrot himself gazing up at me lovingly. I scratched his chin tenderly.

"Do you agree with Clarrise?"

"Do I ever?" Annabeth beamed, "But what are you talking about?"

"Have you been listening at _all_?"

"Uh, no…"

"Not even to the mission briefing!" Clarrise asked angrily.

"Maybe not…"

"Urgh!" She stomped off.

"I'll be round to do inspection in a minute." I called after her. She bestowed a rude hand gesture upon me, over her shoulder. "So yeah, what is it?"

Annabeth sighed. "Be ready to leave at dawn tomorrow – we have to gather intelligence on the _Princess Andromeda_."

"Wouldn't it be easier for Percy to do that, it being a boat on the sea and all?"

"Chiron's asked us." Annabeth says firmly and strides off. Probably to go and find her lover. Hahaha. Annabeth _so_ loves Percy.

I skip off towards the Aphrodite cabin, humming that kids rhyme under my breath, you know the one, 'Annabeth and Percy sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g,'

Then I black out to Nemo's indignant squawk.

* * *

Oh come on. This is just getting _annoying_.

"Hel."

"Luke." I sigh in resignation.

"You called me Luke!"

"And?"

"Not 'bastard' or 'Lukey'."

"Well, if you feel you're missing out, then fine." He waited, patiently, "Lukey."

He smiled down at me, and I was suddenly extremely aware of why Annabeth and Thalia and all the girls and boys who I shared a cabin with had been quite so devoted to him. Damn.

"Hey, Hel?"

"Yeah?" I got out, my throat inexplicably dry.

"Have you ever been kissed before?"

"What! Uh, yeah, of course I have…"

"I'll take that as a no." He smirked.

"Well it's just that I've been busy with training and camp stuff."

"Sure."

"Wait, what are you doing!"

"Nothing."

"_That_ is not- eep! _Nothing_!"

"Have it your way then."

"Get your hands _off_ me, you _perv_!"

"Has anyone ever told you how sexy you look when you're mad?"

Well. What does one say to that?

* * *

"Bye," Sniff, "Annabeth…I'll," Shudder, "Miss," Shaky breath, "Miss you…" Full on sobbing into Grover's shoulder.

"Hey, what about _me_!" I cried, my hands on my hips as Annabeth looked like she was strongly resisting the urge to run and snog his face off. "Oh go on." I whispered in her ear in a conspirative manner, "You know you want to."

"Want to _what_?"

"Snog his face off. Obv."

"I, uh, don't, _what_!" She spluttered.

"Even _I_ can see it." Remarked Clarrise from Annabeth's other side.

"_See_! You _can't_ argue with a daughter of Aphrodite and a daughter of Ares – you know that _I'm_ right, and she'll be more than prepared to beat you up until you admit it."

Annabeth moved slightly in front of us, facing us, looking horrified. Clarrise and I were standing side by side, arms folded, staring her down.

"I, uh, oh for Zeus' sake!" She turned, kissed Percy's smack on the lips then released him, blushed the colour of my hair and darted into the mini-van. Percy turned to stare, open mouthed, at me and Clarrise.

"What did you two _do_!"

We grinned at each other. We make a hell of a team, us daughters of Ares.

_A/N: Hel just didn't strike me as the sort of person to have had a boyfriend before, even though she's nineteen, so you know... oh, and btw, um does anyone find Hel a bit mary-sueish? cz someone mentioned it in a review and that got me panicking a bit (i hate mary-sues with a passion) and i REALLY dont want Hel to be like that...anyone?_

_Becki_

_xxx_


	11. A Lust Loaded Luke

_ah, now you should all bow down and worship my quick updating power :P only joking lol, though if you really want to... oh, and i think a big battle could follow this in the next chapters :)_

-11-

-A Lust Loaded Luke-

Oh, no.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

I am screwed. Utterly, irrevocably screwed.

A light was pointed directly in my eyes as Clarrise hissed, "_Talk_."

"Uh…"

What was this, the Spanish Inquisition?

Incidentally, I have no idea what the Spanish Inquisition _is_, just people tend to say that when they're interrogated.

What? I was the kid who fell asleep so often in class the teachers didn't bother either kicking me out or waking me up.

Annabeth stood beside Clarrise and glared at me.

Ok, so currently we were hiding in the hold of the _Princess Andromeda_. So we had to be quiet and wait until everyone was asleep until we sneak up and check out the boat. We got to chatting about boyfriends and stuff, namely Percy and Clarrise's toy boy, Chris. Then they turned on me. And I, having been lulled into stupidity by the friendly chatter, may have mentioned my meetings with Luke. And what happened in the last one.

So, back to the present.

"Really, I don't get what you want me to say."

"How about you tell us _how_ you've been talking to _Luke_ of all people!"

"I honestly have no clue."

"Like _hell_!" Clarrise spat as quietly as she physically can.

Annabeth shushed her, and took over the interrogation. "Ok, Hel, are you _positive_ it's not just your imagination?"

"Uh, _yes_."

"Ok then. _Why the fuck did you snog Luke_!" Annabeth's transformation to scary-rampaging-swearing-angry-person scared me.

"_Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_!" I promptly screamed.

Clarrise and Annabeth instantly hurled themselves at me, hands over my mouth and so we fell, awkwardly behind a large crate and lay there, not moving a muscle. Nemo sat on my face.

Then we saw a light swinging around the spacious hold.

"Are you sure you heard something?" Luke. Luke's rough, utterly sexy and rather pissed sounding voice.

"Yesss, massster." Evidently something that hisses.

"Fine. Go back up to the others. I'll waste my time checking it out."

"But, massster-"

"Go." He said, sounding irritated.

The thing obviously did because the beam of light starts to move. We were frozen in position when an idea comes to me. An idea that I would rather die than see through, but right then it seemed like the only option. Ah, fuck.

"Let me go," I muttered, "I have a plan."

They did obediently, and I gave Nemo to Clarrise after much whispered reassurances, both to Nemo, and Clarrise. Then I shuffled away from them, to crouch behind another crate. Then I stood.

I faintly heard the hiss of Clarrise's breath as she sucked it in sharply. Luke's torchlight flicked straight onto me, and I could just about see his stunned expression, "_Hel_?"

I took in a huge breath, cursed all the gods to Hades for putting me in this situation, the cursed Aphrodite and Ares some more for conceiving me, and say, "Hey, Luke." In the sexiest way I physically could.

Silena would be proud.

* * *

So.

In Luke's cabin.

Minus a few (all) articles of clothing.

Oh no, I tell a lie, I was still wearing my cow socks that have cute cartoon cows all over them that have speech bubbles coming out of their mouths saying 'moo'.

Much good that that does me.

Luke was asleep, thank the gods. So I slipped out of his bed, get dressed, grabbed Bloodbath and got the hell out of there. Next plan of action (though I've since decided never to listen to my ideas again – just look where the last one got me) was to try and find my precious parrot. Oh, and Annabeth and Clarrise, but my precious parrot is _far_ more important.

I went along the entiere deck. Nothing.

Next level down. Nothing.

Next level after that. Nothing.

Next level after that. Nothing.

Next level after that. Nothing.

I was starting to think this ship was never ending when finally, _finally_ found them, "Hey," I said, strolling up. They stared at me. Oh gods. They're _never_ gonna let me live this down.


	12. A Nice, Normal Norman

-12-

-A Nice, Normal Norman-

"Aha!" Came a wild yell from out the window which, incidentally, was under the water, so we all turned to peer out, which was when a giant tentacle shot through it. I'd stake my life on it having something to do with Percy. But, at that moment, I was more concerned with, you know, important things like saving my life. So I charged after Annabeth, Clarisse and a frantically cawing Nemo up several flights of stairs, trying in vain to escape the water.

We finally got the top deck and saw, surprise surprise, Percy, sitting, quite happily, astride a giant squid. As you do. To my everlasting delight, though, this giant squid looked pleasingly more normal than the other sea creatures that had attached themselves to Percy over the years.

"_Percy_!" Annabeth shrieked, first sounding ecstatic, but then, when she yelled his name for the second time, she sounded a whole lot more annoyed. "We could have _drowned_ you complete and utter _moron_!"

He whimpered, looking scared. "I'm sorry! It's not _my_ fault! Norman here got a little over-excited, that's all."

Annabeth turned even redder, and drew herself up, "_Norman_! You named a giant squid, _Norman_!"

"Erm...yes?"

She looked like she was about to do a Mount Etna, so I stepped in, put on my most charming smile, and asked, "Percy, dear, could you possible draw yourself away from the fascinating, if a tad old, sexual tension fuelled argument with Annabeth for just two ticks, and explain what you're doing here?"

He stared. "What happened to _you_!" He looked to Clarisse, "Has she been hit over the head?"

Clarisse shrugged, "Losing her virginity – to Luke, by the way – has apparently affected her mental state."

Percy fell off Norman.

He remerged, spluttering, and looking like someone had stolen his favourite toy, then whacked him between the eyes a few times with it for good measure. "_What_!" He swallowed some more water and went under again, before he was able to regain power over his dad's domain and power himself up and over the edge of the boat to land with a slash on the deck. "Hel." He said, sounding surprisingly calm, "Please tell me that this is a joke."

I drew myself up impressively. "Peruses Jackson, I am nineteen years old, and I think that I should be able to choose who and who I don't like."

"_No_ _you shouldn't_!" He roared impressively. I took a step back on instinct, only to find my way blocked by a solid, muscular chest and oh _hell_ I want to know who this guy is!

A pair of hands on my hips, and an all-too-familiar voice in my ear, "So you _like_ me, huh?"

"_What gives you the right to DEFILE Hel_!"

"Dude, who says defile anymore?" Dude, Luke just said _dude_. "And besides, if there was any defiling going on, it was definitely on Hel's part, not mine."

"_Hel_!" Percy shrieked at a worryingly high pitch.

"Whore." Clarisse remarked.

"Faggot."

"Fail."

"I'm a godling. I could _smite_ you." I felt Luke smirk against my neck.

"With what? _Love_?"

The squid shrieked.

"_Norman_!" Percy cried. "See what you've done! Your arguing makes him unhappy!"

"Oh my god, he's just like Sheldon!"

Everyone stared at me. "Erm, Hel? What are you talking about?"

"Sheldon! Off the Big Bang Theory! You know, the episode when Penny and Leonard are fighting and he's upset and they have to buy him a robot to make him happy and-"

"Hel, I love you, but would you _please_ shut the fuck up." Luke said teasingly into my ear.

So, naturally I had a fit.

_A/N: i know this isn't up to my usual, fabulously witty standard, but please accept my most humble offering after be mia for so long? however, i AM working on the next chapter as we speak :) and thank you sooooo much to all you utterly wonderful people who've reviewed this - re-reading your reviews prompted me to return to this!_


	13. A Protective, Powerful Poseidon

-Chapter Thirteen-

-A Protective, Powerful Poseidon-

From my foetal position I could vaguely hear Luke calling my name, Clarisse letting out a savage battle cry, and Annabeth arguing with Percy over the noise of some kind of battle that had suddenly sprung up. But it was the flap of wings, and cultured, Italian accents that made me look up.

And there, hovering in the sky above the boat, were three, ridiculously good-looking men, wearing only small white loin cloths and with huge feathery wings sprouting from their backs. All had tanned skin, and very pale blonde hair. The one in the middle was carrying a golden bow and arrow, the guy his left toting a shiny gold club for some unknown reason, and the third had a weird headband thing on.

"Helena!" The middle one cried, swooping over the deck, to stretch out his hand and help me up. He then hugged me. "It's _so_ good to finally meet you! Himeros has been bugging Ma about it for years, and now she's finally given in!" I gathered that Himeros was the one with the headband.

"And you are..." I asked, trying to sound a less rude as possible.

The guy laughed, and Himeros was practically doubled over in a second. "I'm Eros, of course! The one hyperventilating is Himeros, and this is Anteros. We're your brothers!"

"My brothers? _Why don't I get wings_!"

"Gods, she's just like Da. This is worrying." Himeros said in a loud stage whisper.

"Because you're not an Erotes, one of Aphrodite's retinue. There's a fourth, Pothos, but he was, uh, busy."

Himeros snorted. "You mean he's sitting in a cave somewhere pining after some girl he could easily get if he put some effort into it."

Anteros smacked his brother. "Don't mock him. He's in love."

"He's 'in love' every other week!"

Eros shushed them. "Stop giving our new sister a bad impression of us!"

"Oh Gods!" Annabeth was slapping herself on the forehead. Clarisse made a remark about loosing precious brain cells. Percy glared at her, and put his arms around his beloved. She shrugged him off. He looked like a kicked puppy. Luke started to laugh. Percy flew into a fury. Norman hooked an emerald tentacle around Luke's legs and dragged him into the sea. I screamed. All in the space of precisely fourteen seconds, according to Himeros, who was giggling.

"_Percy_ _get your cretin to bring Luke back this INSTANT_!" I was pissed.

He crossed his arms and shook his head. I had Bloodbath at his throat in an instant, my fist in the front of his shirt, and his feet an inch or so off the deck.

"More and more like Da every second." Himeros said sadly. "And have you seen her hair? _Ooo_! I'm thinking _makeover_!"

I levelled Bloodbath at him. "Shut it."

Percy took the opportunity by attempting to smother me in a mini-Tsunami. Correction: _now_ I was pissed. My eyes suddenly felt weird, and I realised I wasn't wet. The area where I was clutching Percy's t-shirt was smouldering. _Smouldering_. Ookay then.

Percy tried to douse me again.

"Uhuh. Not this time, Perce. Bring Luke back _now_."

"No."

I shrieked again. I think I was on the verge of a hissy fit, but it was a hissy fit with fireballs, so I maintain that it wasn't _that_ childish. Thus created the Epic Battle of Fire and Water. Basically me and Percy screeching while each was trying to drown/toast the other.

Meanwhile, Luke was still underwater. Possibly dead. I upped my attack. In a complex manoeuvre that involved me catapulting through the air, singing off most of Percy's clothes, and ended with me with my hand around Percy's throat, steadily increasing the temperature of my hand. "Get. Him. Back. Now. And he better be alive, or I swear on my Dad's name that I _will_ kill you."

"Helena Annalise Rosaline Wing!" Roared a rather large, and impressively booming baritone. I looked up and saw a giant being, that must be Poseidon, towering over the _Princess Andromeda_. "Release my son!"

I considered it for about two seconds. "No."

I could hear one of my new-found brothers sighing exasperatedly. "_So_ much like Da. I fear there's no hope for her."

"You return my boyfriend from the depths of the ocean _alive_, and I'll considering letting Percy go."

"Hel! You _don't_ argue with the god of the seas!" A voice that sounded like Annabeth, but it was hard to tell through all the smoke, hissed.

"Here's your traitor." I blinked through the smoke, and saw Luke's prone form being deposited on the deck. I released Percy instantly, and rushed down and threw myself on my knees beside Luke.

"Gods, Luke, Luke, wake up!" He was sopping wet, and pale, and clammy. I'm crying. I've haven't cried since my oldest adoptive brother left for Canada. But now the tears fall and fall, and I can't stop clutching at his chest. This isn't how it was meant to end. Not like this.

_A/N: taken a darker turn, i know... not sure how i feel about this chapter :/ let me know_


	14. A Proud, PissedOff Poseidon

-Chapter Fourteen-

-A Proud, Pissed-Off Poseidon-

"She loves him!" Percy's comment was responded to by numerous people:

"No shit, Sherlock."

"It's taken you _this long_ to realise?"

"Gods, you're dense."

"Seaweed-Brain."

And, the most original courtesy of Clarisse, "You mong."

"Luke needs Apollo. _Now_." I growled in the direction of my new-found brothers. Eros jumped into the air and began a swift flight upwards, and towards the shore. Himeros saluted and followed. Anteros fluttered to my side.

"I've trained under Apollo for a few years, I know a bit about healing."

I let him gently probe Luke's body, checking for any damage. Looking up, I saw Percy off to one side, talking in undertones to a good-looking man with weathered features, who had suddenly appeared on the deck. Poseidon. I didn't take my eyes off the god, but asked Anteros in a hard voice, "Is he going to make it?" Anteros didn't reply. My mouth tightened into a firm line. "Right."

"Helena, don't-"

"Do _not_ tell me what to do." I stood, and marched over the deck, Bloodbath gripped in one hand. "_Poseidon_!" He and Percy looked up in surprise. "I challenge you!"

"Don't be ridiculous, daughter of Aphrodite, only a god can challenge another god."

"Good thing that I'm a goddess then, right?" Poseidon stared. "Well, a godling. Either way, I've still got divine blood running through my veins, so I have the right to challenge you."

"Right then-"

"_Dad_!" Percy gasped.

"-time and place?"

"Here, and now." I said

"With all these people?" Poseidon gestured to the other half-bloods standing on the deck. I saw Anteros bending over Luke's prone form.

"No, then."

"Three days from now, the beach at Camp Half-Blood."

"Unfair advantage to you, but sure. I'm nothing if not fair."

Poseidon chuckled a little, "Until then, godling."

******************

"Hel, you utter _moron_! Challenging _Poseidon_!"

"He killed Luke." I replied, calmly sharpening Bloodbath as Annabeth ranted at me. We were back at Camp, Luke was being looked after, but seemed unlikely of recovering. I wanted revenge.

"No, he didn't! Luke's still _alive_!"

"Not for much longer! And it's Poseidon's fault!" The water in a nearby bucket trembled, "Yeah, I'm _talking to you_!" I yelled at it.

"Hel, have you not been to see Luke?" I shook my head, "Why?"

"If Percy was the one killed, by Ares say, would not be out for revenge? Would you go _see his dying body_?"

"That's completely different."

"_How_?"

"Because Luke isn't dead, and is unlikely to be in the near future."

"Wha...?"

"Oh, Hel, the ambrosia worked. He's going to be fine."

I was running the next second. I had to see for myself, had to see that he was ok. I clattered up the steps of the Big House and burst into the Sick Bay. There, sitting on one of the beds looking very _un_-dead, and arguing violently with Chiron, was Luke. I came to sudden stop, just staring. He was pale, his hair sticking up in odd tufts, his tanned forearms were scarred as ever, and his blue eyes were bright and filled with the same _life_ they had always been.

He saw me, and a wide grin spread over his face. He lifted one of his hands, and crooked his fingers at me. Only then was I able to move as I sat on his bed carefully. He smirked at me, and pulled me against his body properly, putting his arms around me tightly. I wound my fingers around his hair, and kissed him. I noticed Chiron sidling out. Luke grinned against my lips and held me tighter. Eventually he broke away, and I put my head on his chest. He tucked his head on top of my hair, and I then I began to cry. All my grief and worry from the last two days came pouring out, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Luke did nothing as I cried, and, eventually, when I'd quietened, he asked, "Now, what's all this about challenging one of the Big Three?"


	15. New Version

Hi guys!

So. This is being continued! No, really! Only I don't feel able to continue this version of Hel on Earth, seeing as my writing style has changed dramatically over the last four years, and I'm not too happy about where the story was originally going. So I am rewriting it from the beginning, with new plot, new characters, more detail - I hope!

I can only stress that this new version is very different to the original. It's not as humorous, not quite as quirky - but Hel is still odd! - and a bit darker. It centers on Hel's characterisation and emotions a lot more, but I have tried to keep her as close to the original character as possible.

I am also guaranteeing to update this new story every Friday - and if something prevents me, I will let you know why and when I will be posting the chapter instead. I hope you'll enjoy the new and, I think, improved Hel on Earth! The first chapter is now up, so go check it out!

And many, many, many thanks to all you who've stuck with this story for four(?!) years, and still review to this day. You guys are why I'm doing this. I hope this lives up to your expectations!


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